I hate how as much as I want to communicate.
I lack the skills to do it effectively.

solace

it's funny how you find solace in the strangest of places

in conversations with your cousins, realizing that they know exactly how it is you feel

that they share in the same pain, the same love, and the same sadness as you

smart people would contain their jealousy

i am not so sure when i became this person


but apparently beer out of crystal snifters, is not only necessary depending on the type of beer (in this case a fruity triple) but because it is generally awesome

strange obsessions

I don't know when I became 'that' type of person. We all know one, the 'snob' who only buys a particular brand of a particular something...
I almost had a fit tonight when I went to the supermarket to buy my favourite type of sparkle water... ONLY to realize that for some reason it is no longer being stocked.

I took a good five minutes to determine what would qualify as an 'okay' replacement for just this one time.

OH LIFE. When did you become so darn upsetting.

fall arrived

We have been blessed with warm and glorious fall weather - unseasonably hot fall weather. Today the mercury rose to reach 32°C! Thankfully we had wind. Wind which managed to make the day manageable, and provided reminder's on just how quickly treasured things will be blown away if we neglect to hold them tight. Alas, the wind continued to pull down those beautifully coloured leaves, notifying us that the seasons have changed, and this weather will not hold.

Needless to say, this lovely weather has made it downright impossible to focus on schoolwork. I've learned what procrastination is. Procrastination is grabbing these last and glorious days which are reminiscent of summer, and loving them for what they give and what they provide us. Reading in the relative silence of the day, clad in the bare minimum of clothing. Napping in the sunshine, and literally and physically reaping the benefits of a bountiful garden. Plants are still green, strawberries are still plentiful, and I am still gorging on tomatoes. Next week is October. The weather better cool down or I'm going to have a terrible time remaining on top of my classes.

I love the lyric, "the stars all gleam with possibilities..."

there is possibly nothing more satisfying then music turned as loud as it can go

with eyes closed
attentive ears
and a body revelling

underneath the sycamore

This post might be about how much I adore Ben Gibbard. So consider yourself fairly warned.

I wish I could state that my music tastes have evolved and changed over the years, and maybe they have... Maybe I now listen to quieter music, softer music, the type which might best be summed up as simply being nicer to my ears.

I will not divert attention from the subject at hand: My utter love for not just his music, but how I am still not tired of it. Let's talk about Death Cab, the Postal Service, or mainly how Ben Gibbard seems only capable of producing the most mellow music. His music, which I have seemingly attached memory after memory too.

The Postal Service reminds me of an evening dinner in Montreal, the meal was mediocre at best... we stayed because they were playing postal service and the wine list was fantastic. The quiet clicking of the song "Sleeping In", holding hands with the cutest boy possible, sharing dessert, the occasional quick peck on the lips, and so much laughter. Every time I hear this song, I am transported back, I am again there in the restaurant, seated next to him, it is joyful.

The album Transatlanticism takes me to slightly after I graduated high school - and again, another boy. One who I shared movies, walks, slurpees, bike rides, crazy car rides, and the best and most satisfying lazy afternoon naps with. All whilst we argued the merits of this album. Which song was best, why, what did we love about it, why it moved us so.

Just look at the artwork which adorned the liner notes for this album, even the normally ugly CD is gorgeous. We connected over music. Specifically over our shared love for this album.

And the song Transatlanticism still wins hands down. "I need you so much closer... So come on, come on..." it literally still haunts me with the simple beauty of its composition.

I'm skipping albums, not because they are irrelevant, but because I'd be here forever.

Narrowstairs was released, and I was hoping I would have outgrown my love for Death Cab. Yet the disc came out, I was depressed, and I recall listening to it for hours on end. Songs with lyrics about feelings about dying alone, I related. I related immensely.

But that is the key, these songs which are sometimes so lyrically simplistic, are always beautifully composed, they are for me - all relatable.

The track "I will follow you into the dark" for example,  this song used to come on the radio and I'd have to pull over, I'd be unable to see the road, as I'd have tears streaming down my face whenever I listened to it. It still happens, this song still moves me to tears whenever I hear it. Why? The guitar is simple, the singing so quiet and yet this song is so deeply filled with emotion that it just stirs me. The idea of loving so much that you follow them into the dark. Is that not love. Do we not relate?

Now, Codes and Keys, the title track to the same named album, carries me in emotion. I listened and literally felt like I was being wrapped tightly in a cocoon by the words and emotion conveyed by Ben Gibbard's voice.

Simply felt.

This is music that carries me.

Kefir

So I've started drinking this stuff because I've heard miraculous things.
Truth be told, if anything tastes this nasty... It must do miraculous things for people to continue consuming it.

Fermented milk is gross. Really.

aspirations

I suppose that with the beginning of the new school year I should set some goals, or simply declare the ones I have.
I have decided I hate the term goals, and as such banished it from my vocabulary.
Aspirations, I have concluded - is simply a much better term.

So here they are, a formalized list of aspirations. I used to be really good at achieving aspirations, I think if only because the feeling of crossing a line through them once achieved was so supremely satisfying.

The list:

• write more! carry your journal and write in it daily, draw in it, scribble your feelings madly across the page, but make a point to communicate SOMETHING on those pages - every day
• bake more, baking is a stress relief for you, so bake 
• run till your body aches, then get up and run again
• declare your love for things and people, loudly
• pick up the banjo, and become fabulous at it
• be more prayerful
• no more fighting, let your heart grow with love instead
• study outside, read outside, simply be outside more
• make time for the people you love, and the things you love to do
• have a bedtime, and keep the bedtime
• drink more water, consume less wine
• grow your hair out
• visit your family, and visit with them, remember to cherish the time with them
• pick up the phone and call your friends
• say yes
• express your gratitude
• post these in multiple places so that you have multiple reminders
• knit Logan mittens
• remember that love is an action too

the little pleasures

from simple things like the bendy straw

fear

I clued into it today.

Invited to go see the grandpa with Alzheimer's - I considered it.
The pros and cons of the situation.

I have homework.
I have plans tonight.
He is my grandfather.
I love him dearly.
I am totally and utterly positive that I would break into tears.
I'm not emotionally capable of being strong today.
I need to be strong for him, my father, my grandmother.
What if this is the last time he recalls who I am. (supremely negative, I know)
I need to have my emotions figured out before being able to effectively support others in this situation.
I love him.
I'm afraid to see him.
I'm afraid I'm going to remember him this way, with this sense of loss, and this just terrifies me.

So I choose not to go, and cry with fear of the unknown future.

absence

I hate the feeling of being an outsider, observing from a distance, carefully away, yet watching closely.

My bus passed a family I knew today, I watched them parade down the sidewalk across the street from the hospital. Their four year old running alone ahead of the family, likely blissfully unaware of the tragedy which lays ahead. The eldest waiting out her final days, her mom pushing her along in a wheelchair as she now tires easily. With brain cancer returned, she sleeps hours of the day away, has forgotten, and yet has managed to be so strong. She possess this still and sobering, peaceful, and calm demeanour. Her strength and bravery amazes me, I am so blessed to have shared her life. I pray the family finds peace, that our community will hold them tight as they face these final moments with her. Life is simply far too short, and she far too young to die.

It sucks.

Summer Moments

The best parts, listed in no particular order.
- Campfire sing-a-long, especially when they happen to be classic 90's tunes
- Sailing was pretty fabulous
- Seeing kids survive and thrive despite battling cancer
- Having time to say good bye
- new friends & old friends

- Napping with Liam, having him intertwined and sprawled over my legs and being stuck on the couch as he slept contentedly. 

- cuddles underneath the stars
- seeing the stars - having many, many opportunities to view the night sky
- Survivor day
- wrestling and tackling
- going through a photo album with a child I used to care for, and still care for in adult form - I felt old, but I also felt so privileged to share his life.
- marshmallows, hot dogs, and playing so many games of monopoly
- the complement, "ya, your Spanish accent is much improved"
- Ewan for a week full of hugs and kisses, water-fight's, and bath tub splashing songs about pee.
- Being blessed to hear others stories, especially the heart wrenching ones
- Amazing fish, and Mexican food
- The art festivals, and art work!
- campfire games which result in scolding and hysterical laughter from all involved
- time with loved ones
- Holding Mason for hours, relishing in the quiet
- Seeing the sun rise, and watching it set.
- flying over the mountains

Father's Day

So I spent Father's Day with both of my Grandpa's.

One recalled a story of how on my first birthday, I immediately reacted to the icing on my cake with a severe allergic reaction. We had celebrated the first birthday of a great grandchild the night before, apparently Grandpa watched with fear as I fed him icing - worried that the same result would occur.

We drove up to visit my other Grandpa, the Alzheimer's diagnosis fresh in everyone's mind. Even attempts to make light of the situation were feeble and adequately awkward, nobody is really sure just what to do with this news. My grandpa tried to high five me good-bye. So we did, and then we hugged, and then I taught him to fist bump and fly away...

Now that we know the news, we notice the differences, the subtle changes in his speech, how he lacks the correct words, forgets what is suitable for the situation. It is heart breaking. My heart aches.

I have no idea what to say to my father, I have no words for consolation. I fear that with no cure, he will face this diagnosis in later life too.

Caregivers let their health suffer when caring for someone, my Grandma has Multiple Sclerosis. Grandpa has been in charge of administering her morning needles, soon he won't be able to do that. I am concerned she will relapse. I don't think she should be caring for him at all right now. I don't think they should be separated, or need to be in care, but I think having respite or home-care would make the situation better for all involved.

fishing.

camping.

boating.

car rides.

dinner time.

improving our golf game.

smiles.

laughter.

ice cream.

apple crisp.

birthday cakes.

christmas time.

family reunions.

When my brother was younger he was diagnosed with cancer, I was young, the eldest child at the time. My family struggled with coping, I spent much of my time living with my grandparents. I have a close relationship with both sets of grandparents, probably closer then I am with either parent, we don't always let things go. Parents were busy, treatments, chemotherapy, a sick child...

I spent my days in hiding, climbing to the top bed of their trailer, peering out through the window... watching. We would go for evening walks, they would tape television shows that they thought I would like, they pried to get me out of my shell, to stop hiding, to end my literal physical 'retreat'. Living by the golf course I got lessons in this game, I got the neon coloured golf balls, opportunities to drive the cart, and dessert with every meal time.

I think of the wedding I imagine I will have one day, of the children I want to have, and then I am stunned and saddened with thoughts of how he will not be there to share these moments with me. I think of how just last week I was adamantly refusing to participate in my University convocation, and right now - all I can think is... I would be so lucky if my grandfather could attend. I would be so proud if he could be there, if he was coherent when there. How badly I want him to be there, to share that moment with him.

I think of all the memories, I think of the first fish I caught, the first time I hit my golf ball into the woods and lost it, I think of my first love. I think of camping and family, and bbq's and canoeing down the river. I think of a man I have always respected, always admired. Someone who's hand I've held when he has been in the hospital, dealing with heart issues... thinking for years that, ultimately it would be his heart that took him from me.

No. Not cancer, not a stroke, not a heart attack, those are all too easy. Take Alzheimer's, take the person I know, the qualities I love, the memories they have, all the moments we've shared over our lifetime. I think of how he gives my grandmother who has MS shots every morning, how he has been doing that for years, caring for her, and now it is her turn to watch and care for him.

I think of how I am not ready to say good bye at all, how I want so much more time with him. How somehow I know even if we were given till the end of time, it wouldn't be enough. How much it will hurt when he is still with us, but has already left.

I think of this disease, how it took his sister, how I am scared that it will take my father. How I am scared it may take my uncles, how I fear it may affect my siblings or me.

It hurts.

Im feeling a little hatred today

Over things I cannot control.

Im frustrated, and sad.

Some days there is nothing worse then waking up and feeling your body tearing apart from the inside. Knowing that this pain you are feeling, is not normal, nor healthy, and having it be the direct cause of your infertility.

There are these song lyrics, "turn my grief to grace"... one day, I hope to be there.

Reflections

I've been seriously considering my future as of late. Consideration is stressful, if I am happy with what I am doing - why should I change it?

For the experiences, I know to live is to learn, and to really live, we need to be experiencing things, NEW things. Im not a big person on new experiences, I like my quiet, peace and calmness. Change and experience stresses me, pushes my anxiety levels, makes me freak.

self pity

I'm feeling like crap, and let's face it, sometimes sucking it up, doesn't actually DO anything.

Reality sucks, as much as I'd like to pretend it doesn't exist and go on pretending I am ignoring it, I fail.

Shall we review my symptoms?

We have the chronic fatigue, intense sciatica pain, symptoms which mimic IBS, chronic abdominal and pelvic pain, painful urination, we have the painful abdominal bloating and the gas which feels like a balloon popping. Seriously, Im waiting for the hypothyroidism charmer, because my weakened immune system and susceptibility to everything, wasn't actually enough!?

I think it is time I face the facts and visit a pain management clinic.

I've put it off for two years, two years in which my trips to the emergency room have multiplied, where I'm scanned and tested and injected and released and the same cause is always stated.

Endometriosis.

Fuck you, being female.

I know, Im better off then the majority of people in the world. I have health care, I have first world problems, I have 'treatment options'.

I just needed to vent. If I could scream and make the pain go away, I'd be a happy camper.

Quite happy, giddy even.

thoughts

Love is not a feeling, emotion, or statement, love is a behaviour.

I've had enough

I've had enough
Originally uploaded by withoutintentions

I know moisture is great, and the snow is needed... but honestly I cannot even shovel what has recently fallen. I am unable to shovel this snow, to throw it up higher than my height to add it to the current piles.
Enough.

You will melt and flood everything, and ice everything, and create disasters for my bones.

Vision

Vision
Originally uploaded by withoutintentions

These lovely paintings were created by the adults I work with.

For those not in the know, I work with adults who may have physical or mental disabilities or brain injuries. We tend to do a lot of adapted projects, they have a lot of freedom in what they create, they explore using many mediums and sometimes (all the time) I get to be amazed with the beautiful art they share.

My adults are stubborn, lack fine motor skills, patience, and struggle with anything that is an abstract concept. Now painting with watercolors is a very abstract process, it requires persistence, creativity and a basic understanding of the concept.

I was so proud of them.

I pushed and bossed, and they called me on it. I insisted they use more colour, add more water, make it wet, add more colour, use purple, add red, wet that brush.

Then they showed me just how proud they were of these beautiful creations. I got high five's, reassured it was okay to push, was wished goodnights, and saw everyone leave with the brightest smiles.

Life is good.

communication

i am slowly working on improving my communication with friends...

communication of my appreciation for them and that which they do and share for me.