Father's Day

So I spent Father's Day with both of my Grandpa's.

One recalled a story of how on my first birthday, I immediately reacted to the icing on my cake with a severe allergic reaction. We had celebrated the first birthday of a great grandchild the night before, apparently Grandpa watched with fear as I fed him icing - worried that the same result would occur.

We drove up to visit my other Grandpa, the Alzheimer's diagnosis fresh in everyone's mind. Even attempts to make light of the situation were feeble and adequately awkward, nobody is really sure just what to do with this news. My grandpa tried to high five me good-bye. So we did, and then we hugged, and then I taught him to fist bump and fly away...

Now that we know the news, we notice the differences, the subtle changes in his speech, how he lacks the correct words, forgets what is suitable for the situation. It is heart breaking. My heart aches.

I have no idea what to say to my father, I have no words for consolation. I fear that with no cure, he will face this diagnosis in later life too.

Caregivers let their health suffer when caring for someone, my Grandma has Multiple Sclerosis. Grandpa has been in charge of administering her morning needles, soon he won't be able to do that. I am concerned she will relapse. I don't think she should be caring for him at all right now. I don't think they should be separated, or need to be in care, but I think having respite or home-care would make the situation better for all involved.

fishing.

camping.

boating.

car rides.

dinner time.

improving our golf game.

smiles.

laughter.

ice cream.

apple crisp.

birthday cakes.

christmas time.

family reunions.

When my brother was younger he was diagnosed with cancer, I was young, the eldest child at the time. My family struggled with coping, I spent much of my time living with my grandparents. I have a close relationship with both sets of grandparents, probably closer then I am with either parent, we don't always let things go. Parents were busy, treatments, chemotherapy, a sick child...

I spent my days in hiding, climbing to the top bed of their trailer, peering out through the window... watching. We would go for evening walks, they would tape television shows that they thought I would like, they pried to get me out of my shell, to stop hiding, to end my literal physical 'retreat'. Living by the golf course I got lessons in this game, I got the neon coloured golf balls, opportunities to drive the cart, and dessert with every meal time.

I think of the wedding I imagine I will have one day, of the children I want to have, and then I am stunned and saddened with thoughts of how he will not be there to share these moments with me. I think of how just last week I was adamantly refusing to participate in my University convocation, and right now - all I can think is... I would be so lucky if my grandfather could attend. I would be so proud if he could be there, if he was coherent when there. How badly I want him to be there, to share that moment with him.

I think of all the memories, I think of the first fish I caught, the first time I hit my golf ball into the woods and lost it, I think of my first love. I think of camping and family, and bbq's and canoeing down the river. I think of a man I have always respected, always admired. Someone who's hand I've held when he has been in the hospital, dealing with heart issues... thinking for years that, ultimately it would be his heart that took him from me.

No. Not cancer, not a stroke, not a heart attack, those are all too easy. Take Alzheimer's, take the person I know, the qualities I love, the memories they have, all the moments we've shared over our lifetime. I think of how he gives my grandmother who has MS shots every morning, how he has been doing that for years, caring for her, and now it is her turn to watch and care for him.

I think of how I am not ready to say good bye at all, how I want so much more time with him. How somehow I know even if we were given till the end of time, it wouldn't be enough. How much it will hurt when he is still with us, but has already left.

I think of this disease, how it took his sister, how I am scared that it will take my father. How I am scared it may take my uncles, how I fear it may affect my siblings or me.

It hurts.

Im feeling a little hatred today

Over things I cannot control.

Im frustrated, and sad.

Some days there is nothing worse then waking up and feeling your body tearing apart from the inside. Knowing that this pain you are feeling, is not normal, nor healthy, and having it be the direct cause of your infertility.

There are these song lyrics, "turn my grief to grace"... one day, I hope to be there.

Reflections

I've been seriously considering my future as of late. Consideration is stressful, if I am happy with what I am doing - why should I change it?

For the experiences, I know to live is to learn, and to really live, we need to be experiencing things, NEW things. Im not a big person on new experiences, I like my quiet, peace and calmness. Change and experience stresses me, pushes my anxiety levels, makes me freak.

self pity

I'm feeling like crap, and let's face it, sometimes sucking it up, doesn't actually DO anything.

Reality sucks, as much as I'd like to pretend it doesn't exist and go on pretending I am ignoring it, I fail.

Shall we review my symptoms?

We have the chronic fatigue, intense sciatica pain, symptoms which mimic IBS, chronic abdominal and pelvic pain, painful urination, we have the painful abdominal bloating and the gas which feels like a balloon popping. Seriously, Im waiting for the hypothyroidism charmer, because my weakened immune system and susceptibility to everything, wasn't actually enough!?

I think it is time I face the facts and visit a pain management clinic.

I've put it off for two years, two years in which my trips to the emergency room have multiplied, where I'm scanned and tested and injected and released and the same cause is always stated.

Endometriosis.

Fuck you, being female.

I know, Im better off then the majority of people in the world. I have health care, I have first world problems, I have 'treatment options'.

I just needed to vent. If I could scream and make the pain go away, I'd be a happy camper.

Quite happy, giddy even.

thoughts

Love is not a feeling, emotion, or statement, love is a behaviour.

I've had enough

I've had enough
Originally uploaded by withoutintentions

I know moisture is great, and the snow is needed... but honestly I cannot even shovel what has recently fallen. I am unable to shovel this snow, to throw it up higher than my height to add it to the current piles.
Enough.

You will melt and flood everything, and ice everything, and create disasters for my bones.

Vision

Vision
Originally uploaded by withoutintentions

These lovely paintings were created by the adults I work with.

For those not in the know, I work with adults who may have physical or mental disabilities or brain injuries. We tend to do a lot of adapted projects, they have a lot of freedom in what they create, they explore using many mediums and sometimes (all the time) I get to be amazed with the beautiful art they share.

My adults are stubborn, lack fine motor skills, patience, and struggle with anything that is an abstract concept. Now painting with watercolors is a very abstract process, it requires persistence, creativity and a basic understanding of the concept.

I was so proud of them.

I pushed and bossed, and they called me on it. I insisted they use more colour, add more water, make it wet, add more colour, use purple, add red, wet that brush.

Then they showed me just how proud they were of these beautiful creations. I got high five's, reassured it was okay to push, was wished goodnights, and saw everyone leave with the brightest smiles.

Life is good.

communication

i am slowly working on improving my communication with friends...

communication of my appreciation for them and that which they do and share for me.

teachings

Humility.

Aspire.

grace.

I am exhausted

I have one final week left of my student teaching praticum. Yes that is correct, we are here, in the final stretch, JUST ONE WEEK LEFT!

Just between you and me, I am really happy to be done.

It has been exhausting.

As much as I have really enjoyed the experience, and my students, I feel so overwhelmed with all that I wanted to accomplish that instead of being proud of what I've done... Im left feeling like I've barely touched the goals I had set out for myself.

I feel like I've neglected my students, not reached out and encompassed their learning needs. I feel like I've failed them. Even though I know that it would have been impossible for me to do everything I wanted to do, simply because I lack the practical experience and direction to know how to appropriately implement and judge what is or could be necessary.

LE sigh.

Im counting these 5 days down.

Excited for them, sad for them.

today

I challenged myself

doing something

which I had

never done before

sometimes

we forget

just how much

there is

for us to learn

and discover

and experience

I am going

to challenge myself

to explore,

and imagine

there will be

no more

neglecting

that which

is left to uncover

Today I had the most unusual encounter with a stranger.
I was immediately taken aback as what I though was just casual friendly conversation turned into a very deep conversation about her grief over her lost son.
What upset me most about this conversation was not that she had chosen to share this with me, as I have quite a respect for her openness - it was the fact that I was totally incapable of saying anything which demonstrated my sympathy and compassion for her situation.
Her grief was so evident and clear to me, she was in dire need of someone to talk to. Yet here I was, open mouthed with a complete and total loss of words.

Shouldn't we strive to be able to comfort everyone in their time of need?